Jane Leu Rekas, LCSW

The Power of Saying No at the Holidays:

Protecting Your Energy and Embracing Change

Christmas (and other Holidays) often arrives with a whirlwind of expectations. There’s the pressure to welcome guests, visit family, buy perfect gifts, and maintain traditions. For many of us—especially women and mothers who often shoulder the majority of holiday preparations—the season can feel more exhausting than joyous.

Add to this the struggle of saying no, and it’s easy to see how Christmas becomes a recipe for burnout. If you’re a people-pleaser or someone transitioning out of long-standing traditions, such as when your children grow into young adults, the challenge can feel even greater. But learning to say no is a gift not just to yourself but to everyone around you. By protecting your energy, you’re able to show up with more authenticity and joy for the things that truly matter.

Why Saying No Feels Hard at Christmas

Saying no is hard enough on an ordinary day, but during the holidays, it comes with extra layers of guilt. Maybe you’re worried about disappointing family members, or perhaps you feel obligated to keep traditions alive for the sake of others. These feelings are valid, but it’s important to recognize that saying no isn’t about rejection—it’s about intention.

By saying no to certain things, you’re saying yes to your mental health, your family’s well-being, and the kind of holiday season you truly want to create.

Normalizing Guilt

First, let’s normalize the guilt that comes with saying no. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you care deeply about others. Acknowledge the guilt, but don’t let it dictate your decisions. Instead, remind yourself of your priorities and values this holiday season. Is it more important to attend every event or to spend meaningful, unrushed time with loved ones? Do you want to maintain every tradition, or would simplifying allow you to enjoy the holiday more?

How to Say No (and Feel Okay About It)

Here are some practical tips for saying no in a way that feels respectful and true to yourself:

Be Honest, Yet Kind

You can decline invitations or requests without being harsh. For example:

"Thank you for inviting me, but I’ve committed to keeping this holiday season low-key."

"I’d love to catch up after the holidays when things are less hectic."

Offer Alternatives

If you want to stay connected but can’t meet the original expectation, offer a compromise:

"We can’t make it to dinner this year, but how about a video call on Christmas Eve?"

"I can’t bake cookies for the whole party, but I’d love to bring a small dessert."

Set Clear Boundaries

Decide what you’re comfortable with and communicate it clearly. For example:

"We’ve decided to stay home on Christmas Day to start a new tradition, but we’d love to see you another time."

"Our gift budget is smaller this year, so we’ll be doing handmade gifts or cards."

Practice Saying No Ahead of Time

Rehearsing your responses can make saying no easier in the moment. Practice in front of a mirror or with a supportive friend.

Release the Need for Approval

Not everyone will understand or agree with your decisions—and that’s okay. Your responsibility is to protect your peace, not to meet everyone’s expectations.

Transitioning Out of Old Traditions

If your children are now young adults, the holidays might look very different than they used to. Letting go of old traditions can feel bittersweet, but it also opens the door to creating new ones. Here’s how to navigate this transition:

Involve Your Kids in the Process

Ask them what traditions they’d like to keep and which ones they’re ready to let go of. You might find that they want to do less, not more.

Create Flexible Traditions

Instead of requiring everyone to gather at the same time or place, consider flexible options, like a holiday brunch instead of dinner, or celebrating on a different day to accommodate everyone’s schedule.

Focus on Connection, Not Perfection

The goal of traditions is to bring people together, not to create more stress. Simplify where you can, and focus on quality time.

Celebrate the Change

Instead of mourning the loss of old traditions, view this as an opportunity to try something new. Host a game night, take a family trip, or volunteer together.

Embracing a Joyful and Authentic Holiday

Saying no at Christmas doesn’t mean saying no to joy, love, or connection—it means saying no to overwhelm, stress, and unnecessary obligations. By honoring your own needs and boundaries, you’re creating space for a holiday season that feels more meaningful and authentic.

This year, let’s give ourselves permission to slow down, redefine our traditions, and embrace the power of a well-placed no. It might just be the best gift we give ourselves and our loved ones.

What boundaries are you setting this holiday season? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—I’d love to hear from you!

Finding Cheer in Change:

Creating New Holiday Traditions

Christmas, Yule and Hannukah are often painted as a season of joy, family, and nostalgia, but for many of us, it's also a season of change. Whether through loss, estrangement, or shifting circumstances, the holidays can serve as a poignant reminder of what has been—and what no longer is.

This year, my husband and I are facing our own changing holiday landscape. After losing my mother in April, it’s just the two of us and our cats nestled in rural Washington. While we’ve always embraced the cheer of a Christmas tree and the solace of quiet living, the absence of my larger family has reshaped how we approach the season. My husband made these insulated cat boxes for two strays who recently adopted us and put them beneath our deck.

Navigating Change During the Holidays

The truth is, change during the holidays is inevitable. It can take many forms: the loss of a loved one, the empty seats of adult children who have moved away, or even the loss of traditions that once felt unshakable. While the grief of these changes can feel heavy, there’s also a gentle invitation hidden in them—a call to reimagine how we celebrate and what Christmas or other holidays can mean moving forward.

Embracing New Traditions

One way to navigate these shifts is by creating new traditions. For my husband and me, our faith communities have been an anchor. While neither of us is particularly traditional in our beliefs—he was raised Catholic, and we sometimes attend the United Church of Christ—we find comfort in attending mass during the Christmas season. It’s less about doctrine and more about connection: to the sacred, to one another, and to the act of pausing to reflect on hope and renewal.

If you’re finding yourself in a similar position of transition, consider what new traditions might bring you comfort and joy. Some ideas might include:

Creating a New Setting: Shift your celebrations to a new environment, like a favorite beach, a cozy cabin, or even just a different room in your home, decorated in a way that feels fresh.

Shared Acts of Kindness: Volunteer at a local shelter or donate gifts to a charity. Acts of giving can bring immense meaning to the season and create a sense of connection with others.

Simplify and Focus: Trim down the expectations of the holiday season. Focus on what truly matters to you, whether it’s a quiet dinner for two, a special ornament for your tree, or just spending time with loved ones, furry friends included.

Acknowledging Loss While Moving Forward

Adopting new traditions doesn’t mean ignoring the past or denying grief. It’s okay to honor what was while stepping into what is. Light a candle for someone you’ve lost. Write them a letter. Share a favorite story about them over your holiday dinner.

For us, part of our process has been finding joy in the small things—our cats playing in the wrapping paper, the glow of the tree in the corner of our living room, and planning hikes on trails that remind us of the beauty that endures, no matter the season.

A Season of Hope

Christmas (Yule and Hannukah), at its core, is a story of hope born in the humblest of circumstances. Even when the holidays don’t look the way they used to, that hope remains available to all of us. This year, I’m leaning into that hope and finding cheer in our quiet, rural celebrations—proof that change doesn’t have to mean loss, but rather, the beginning of something new.

What new traditions might you explore this winter season? How can you find hope amid change? Share your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear them.

Wishing you peace, joy, and connection this holiday season.

Sleep-onset insomnia occurs when people have difficulty falling asleep, even when they are tired.

Sleep maintenance insomnia refers to difficulty staying asleep during the night.

Mixed insomnia is a hybrid condition characterized by sleep-onset and sleep maintenance insomnia symptoms.

SLEEP ONSET INSOMNIA

Initial onset insomnia tends to be anxiety related.

Insomnia is a common sleep disorder that can make it hard to ÿall asleep, hard to stay asleep,

or cause you to wake up too early and not be able to Āet back to sleep. You may still feel tired

when you wake up. Insomnia can sap not only your energy level and mood but also your health,

work performance and quality of life.

Sleep-Onset Insomnia (Initial Insomnia): This type involves difficulty falling asleep at the beginning of the night. It's often associated with stress and anxiety, where worries and an overactive mind hinder the ability to initiate sleep

SLEEP MAINTENANCE - MIDDLE INSOMNIA

Sleep Maintenance or Middle insomnia is usually medical.

Sleep Maintenance Insomnia (Middle Insomnia): Characterized by difficulty staying asleep, leading to frequent awakenings during the night. This form can be related to medical conditions such as sleep apnea, restless legs syndrome, or other health issues that disrupt sleep continuity.

LATE OR TERMINAL INSOMNIA

Late or terminal insomnia is depression related.

Terminal insomnia — also called “late insomnia” — is what you have when you can fall asleep

easily soon after you go to bed... but then wake up too early in the morning. For some reason

your brain thinks “sleep time” is over, but you’ve only had three to five hours or less. And you

can’t go back to sleep no matter what you do.

Late Insomnia (Terminal Insomnia): Involves waking up too early in the morning and being unable to return to sleep. This pattern is often linked to depression, particularly melancholic depression, where early morning awakenings are a common symptom.

HYPERSOMNIA / EXCESSIVE DAYTIME SLEEPINESS

Difficulty waking up easily in the morning can be referred to by several terms, depending on the underlying causes or specific symptoms:

Sleep Inertia: This is a state of grogginess and impaired alertness upon waking. It’s normal to experience some sleep inertia, but if it’s severe or prolonged, it may interfere with morning functioning.
Delayed Sleep-Wake Phase Disorder (DSWPD): A circadian rhythm disorder where your natural sleep-wake cycle is delayed, making it difficult to fall asleep and wake up at conventional times.
Hypersomnia: A condition characterized by excessive sleepiness during the day, despite adequate or extended nighttime sleep. It can include difficulty waking up in the morning.
Dysania: An informal term (not a medical diagnosis) often used to describe a chronic inability to get out of bed in the morning.
Sleep Apnea: A sleep disorder where breathing repeatedly stops and starts during sleep, leading to poor-quality rest and difficulty waking up.
Non-Restorative Sleep: If your sleep doesn’t feel refreshing, it could be due to underlying issues like insomnia, restless legs syndrome, or other sleep disorders, making it harder to wake up.

"Insomnia

People who have insomnia don't feel as if they get enough sleep at night. They may have trouble falling asleep or may wake up frequently during the night or early in the morning. Insomnia is a problem if it affects your daytime activities. Insomnia has many possible causes, including stress, anxiety, depression, poor sleep habits, circadian rhythm disorders (such as jet lag), and taking certain medications.

Snoring

Many adults snore. The noise is produced when the air you inhale rattles over the relaxed tissues of the throat. Snoring can be a problem simply because of the noise it causes. It may also be a marker of a more serious sleep problem called sleep apnea.

Sleep Apnea

Sleep apnea occurs when the upper airway becomes completely or partially blocked, interrupting regular breathing for short periods of time -- which then wakes you up. It can cause severe daytime sleepiness. If left untreated, severe sleep apnea may be associated with high blood pressure and the risk of stroke and heart attack.

Pregnancy and Sleep

Women often experience sleepless nights and daytime fatigue in the first and third trimesters of their pregnancy. During the first trimester, frequent trips to the bathroom and morning sickness may disrupt sleep. Later in pregnancy, vivid dreams and physical discomfort may prevent deep sleep. After delivery, the new baby's care or the mother's postpartum depression may interrupt sleep.

Narcolepsy

Narcolepsy is a brain disorder that causes excessive daytime sleepiness. There is sometimes a genetic component, but most patients have no family history of the problem. Though dramatic and uncontrolled "sleep attacks" have been the best-known feature of narcolepsy, in reality many patients do not have sleep attacks. Instead, they experience constant sleepiness during the day.

Restless Legs Syndrome

In people who have restless legs syndrome, discomfort in the legs and feet peaks during the evening and night. They feel an urge to move their legs and feet to get temporary relief, often with excessive, rhythmic, or cyclic leg movements during sleep. This can delay sleep onset and cause brief awakening during sleep. Restless legs syndrome is a common problem among middle-aged and older adults."

Sleep Disorders & Problems: 10 Types and Causes of Each