I have been a child and family therapist since getting my MSW in 1992. It didn't occur to me right off the bat how much choosing this profession would involve coaching parenting strategies. So I've done my share of research over the years. Here's what I found:
THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO PARENT.
Contents of this post:
- Parenting Styles Continuum
- Developmental Affirmations
- Family Rules
- Parent by Personality Types
- Challenging Temperaments
- Highly Sensitive Children
- Explosive Children
- Trauma and Parenting
- ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder
- Sensory Integration
- Autism and Aspergers
- Early Childhood
- Teens
- Chores
- House Rules
Parenting is on a continuum. This is best described by
Jean Illsley Clarke (author of Self-Esteem a Family Affair), in
Growing Up Again. Parenting styles range from overly strict to overly permissive. Probably moderation is the
healthiest. In the middle of the continuum, you should have a set of Non-Negotiable Rules and a set of Negotiable Rules.
Rigidity * Criticism * Non-negotiable Rules * Negotiable Rules * Marshmallow * Abandonment
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| click pic for full size continuum, print landscape |
Jean also created a set of developmental
affirmations (
printable) for each stage of your children in their development. You can also be sure to give yourself the same healthy messages as she suggests we relive each stage of our own childhood with our children.
Often one parent is more towards the strict end of the continuum and offers the structure, and the other parents is more towards the permissive end of the continuum and offers the nurturing. It can be healthy to swap styles or roles. The person who sets the limits and consequences deserves to also have fun and silly time. The parent who soothes the boo boos and gives in due to empathy also needs to have the ability to be firm when called for.
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| are you a marshmallow parent? |
Parents will bring what they learned from how they were parented, generally repeating what they think worked consciously, but often repeating what didn't work subconsciously.
CLARIFY EXPECTATIONS: FAMILY RULESHere's a form to sit down with your spouse and your children and clarify family rules, values, and expectations, including Negotiable and Non-Negotiable Rules:
CHILDREN WITH CHALLENGESThere is also no
single right way to parent if you consider that each child is different and so is each parent. There is a lot to be said for understanding your child's temperament and the needs that suggests. It is also highly valuable to understand your own personality and how that contributes to your parenting style. To these ends, I love the book based on (MBTI) personality typology called
Nurture by Nature.
Also visit my blog on
Humor Me :) Temperamental CoachingDr. Greenspan writes about several challenging temperaments in his book,
The Challenging Child: Understanding, Raising, and Enjoying the Five "Difficult" Types of Children. He explains what it feels like to be a defiant child, or a child with ADHD, and how parents typically respond in ways that don't work, and the counterintuitive strategies to try instead (
summarized here).
One temperament he includes is the
highly sensitive child. This topic has it's own book by the expert on being Highly Sensitive,
Elaine Aaron, called
The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them.
FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE AND FLEXIBILITYDr. Ross Greene presents a model of parenting to help children with low frustration tolerance and difficulty shifting agendas, in The Explosive Child. Children do well if they can. They don’t choose to be explosive and non-compliant. Rather they have a delay in developing skills critical to being flexible and tolerating frustration or difficulty applying these skills.
Explosive Child handouts summarizing book:
The Explosive Child, by Dr. Greene.
Videos on Collaborative Problem Solving.TRAUMA AND ADOPTION / FOSTER CAREIn
Beyond Consequences and Control Vol. I and II, by
Heather Forbes LCSW, parents and guardians will learn about the body/mind connection as it relates to stress for children, particularly for any children that have experienced trauma. They will be introduced to parenting strategies which are loving and effective, rather than causing further stress to both child and caregiver.
Parenting Alternatives to ControlADHD AND OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER
Dr. Russell Barkley is a leading authority in Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD or Disruptive Behavior Disorder. Books by Russell Barkley, PhD:
Your Defiant Child Your Defiant Teen and
Taking Charge of ADHD.
Videos of Dr. Barkeleyhttp://www.russellbarkley.org/
ADHD TREATMENT GUIDELINES FOR CHILDRENADHD TREATMENT GUIDELINES FOR ADULTSSENSORY INTEGRATION Children with
sensory integration concerns are discussed in the
Out of Sync Child and
related books by Carol Kranowitz.AUTISM / ASPERGERSChildren diagnosed by a specialist to be on the
autism and Asperger's spectrum often require sensory integration work from an occupational therapist, like available at
Kidsense, and behavioral specialists available through the schools or through developmental disabilities services (MCCFL 541-386-2620). Our understanding of the autistic world is greatly increased by autistic
authors themselves, such as
Temple Grandin and
Donna Williams.
EARLY CHILDHOOD PARENTINGPositive Discipline Series by Jane Nelson
Positive Discipline,
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers: For Their Early Years--Raising Children Who are Responsible, Respectful, and Resourceful (Positive Discipline Library),
Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems (Positive Discipline Library)Touchpoints 3 to 6, by T. Berry Brazelton
Series by Louise Bates Ames:Your One Year OldYour Two Year OldYour Three Year OldYour Four Year OldYour Five Year OldYour Six Year OldYour Seven Year OldYour Eight Year OldYour Nine Year OldYour Ten to Fourteen Year OldPARENTING AS YOUR CHILD BECOMES A TEENA lot of what determines how your parenting of your teen will go, is how you parented them as toddlers. Once again, they are asserting their independence. We want them to increase in responsibility, so we can give them increased earned privileges. If we have not had a set of developmentally progressive chores and expectations, it makes it hard to start enforcing limits at this stage.
Here's a sample listing of
Age Appropriate ChoresHere's a format for having
Family Meetings with your teens
HOME RULES CONTRACTSHere are some links to a program for setting up rules and consequences for your teens:
Other titles:
7 Habits of Highly Effective Families7 Habits of Highly Effective TeensPositive Discipline for Teenagers
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